In hospital

Thank you to everyone who have supported me and my writing here. Things haven't gone very well and I'm not doing too good.

I've been in hospital since Wednesday, and am likely to be there all weekend. I'm currently home, but on escorted leave. I don't have much time. I'll update here when I'm released - hopefully early next week.

Broken promises

What's this life worth? What's it worth compared to the millions of stars in the sky? What's it worth compared to the waters of the seas?

I am nothing. I have never been anything but a speck of dust. I've never been worth more than the dirt on the ground.

It's inevitable that the pain will come, and this time, I think it will finally claim me, and secretly, in some deep part of me, I am relieved. I must be relieved. I've seen it coming, I knew it was coming. I'll never be prepared for it no matter how much time it gives me. I knew that too.

For a long time I've pretended, and I've been a fraud. And I've lived this fake life, pretending to have things I have no right having. I thought if I could just pretend, it could be real someday. I was wrong. I was so wrong. And now it's finally caught up with me.

It's true what they say - you can run, but you can't hide and eventually, you just can't run anymore. That's when it gets you. That's when it finally gets you.

On being a loner

"When nearly all you do is done alone, it makes the effort that is conversation that much harder, and all the more fruitless"
- Anneli Rufus (Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto)

I'm currently reading Anneli Rufus' book entitled The Loner's Manifesto. It probably contradicts what I've recently been trying to do, which is to become more social and reach out. But as the book confirms, that does not necessarily mean that I avoid all social contacts.

Previously, before I decided to do more social stuff, I've always considered myself a loner. Infact, perhaps I still do, and maybe that's why I'm reading this book. I figure maybe I'll know for sure whether it fits me or not.

But as it is, I still don't know. It's possible that I am one. I haven't really decided if all this social stuff makes me any happier. I don't know if it makes my life suddenly worth living. I do know, to a certain extent, that I am doing all this social stuff because V wants me to. And it could be a way for me to prove to her that it doesn't work. Unless it does. In which case it would prove me wrong.

The book is certainly interesting.

I'll share more thoughts on this if I encounter anything else.

Group

I'm repeating one module of the skills group (DBT). The module is the one on interpersonal effectiveness and it started yesterday. It was tough going in because the group is an existing group, and I'm the only one who started yesterday. They seem more friendly than the previous group I was a part of. Infact two of them had a sense of humour which was good.

One of the leaders was a leader in my previous group, but I didn't know the other leader.

All in all, I think it went well despite the changes and the differences in this group. I was so nervous yesterday I briefly thought about not going at all. But then I thought about having the entire day to myself without structure and decided to go after all.

Social weekend

Participated in another cycle event over the weekend. We left town on Friday night - it had been a long day, beginning with the drive down to Wellington for a couple of meetings. I didn't sleep much that night.

It was a social weekend overall - and no surprise, it took a lot of energy even though on Saturday we all pretty much chilled out and while the others went for a quick bike ride in the afternoon, I stayed behind, sat in the sun and read a book.

The ride on Sunday was a 42km event. It was a good ride - there were a few hills, but nothing compared to the last event. I enjoyed the ride, and made good time.

Bottom feeder

So much in my head at the moment. Words mostly. Jumbled thoughts. Jagged sentences. All in my head, shifting like sands in a desert. I see mirages sometimes - optical illusions which fool my brain.

I need a new brain. I need a brain that does not betray me, a brain that is not broken, a brain that does not haunt or taunt me, a brain that is not set to self destruct. Why can't we be friends?

I've reached the depths of this experience. All I do is bottom feeding. The darkness does not relinquish its captive. It does not hear the pleadings of a bottom feeder.

So much agony in this swirling world of pain.

The ride

On Sunday, a colleague and I headed off to Hunterville for a 43km cycle event. It was a tough course, and I knew that going in, but didn't quite think it would turn out to be a near death experience. Those hills just about killed me. Still, I finished in a decent time, and it was a really good workout. I don't know about doing it again next year, though. We've got another event lined up in a couple of weeks which should be a walk in the park compared to Hunterville.