Ache

There is an ache in my chest today. It's like a bone stuck in my diaphram and it hurts to take each breath.

All you have to do is touch me, and I will shatter into a million pieces.

Madfear

Therapy gets harder and harder. I've just come out of a tough session where I accused V of pushing me too hard, and of not acknowledging enough that I'm giving my best.

My emotions are in a turmoil. I don't want to be here at work because I can't concentrate on anything, and to be honest, I don't care about anything work related that is going on right now.

I feel scraped raw. I was angry and while angry, it was easy to rage but yet just before I had to leave, before the session ended, fear seeped in. Fear, regret, sadness. I asked V just before I walked out the door "Are you mad at me?" She said no and asked if I were still mad at her? No, I said. No.

Am I still mad? No, not purely mad. Mad plus something else. A kind of fear. Madfear.

Existing

I'm struggling. But then I always am, always have been. I want more than just this. There's got to be a better way of living. Of not simply existing. Of not having plans in my head to die. Of not feeling so empty as though nothing would ever fill me up. Of wanting something so desperately and not really knowing what, of not being able to express that need in such a way that would make sense.

I reach with a deep yearning. I reach for that impossible and have come to realise how easily despair floods in when reality sets in. How willing I am to sacrifice my life because the unattainable hurts so much.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so unsafe. As if every day the clock is ticking away, counting down the days to the inevitable. How much time do I have left? Every day I feel myself slipping. I lose more time. I waste more time thinking. I waste more time wondering. I waste more time wishing.

How do I get out? How do I get out of my own head? How do I get past the urge, the need?

Stood up

I was stood up by my case manager/CPN today. I sat at the coffee lounge, nursing my ever growing cold coffee and left after 20minutes. No phone calls, nothing.

I probably didn't need to see her anyway. But being stood up, well, that kinda hurts.

Maybe she's away sick, or maybe she broke her ribs again, but someone should have let me know.

I hope the anger kicks in soon. Right now, I feel sad and abandoned.

The makings of bad

I've always believed that you reap what you sow. I believe in karma - what goes around comes around. And in keeping with this line of thought, then it must be that the life you live reflects the kind of person that you are.

We were talking about why I didn't think I deserved good things in life, or something around that. I must have insisted that bad people deserve what they get. That bad people don't deserve to get good things in life. Do other people deserve good things? Yes, because they are good people. Do YOU deserve good things? No, because I'm a bad person.

What makes you think you're a bad person? What evidence do you have that proves you're a bad person?

I couldn't say it out loud. But inside, I knew. In my heart I knew I'd lived the evidence of a bad life. Why else have no one ever loved me? Why else have not one single human being outside of my family ever loved me? Why have I never experienced that connection - that special bond that 90% of the human population (and usually as soon as they become teenagers) have experienced at least once in their life? Why has there never been a person, male or female, ever fallen in love with me? Why have no one ever desired me?

It was already evident from my childhood. No one could really love me without trying desperately hard. I saw my own mother struggle. What hope is there when your own mother struggles to love you?

I won't go as far as to say people are born loveable. But I'd say that love is a privilege not everyone is blessed with. Most times you can earn love. But only if there are things about you that can be loved. Sometimes you can try desperately hard, but there will be no takers. In that case, you luck out.

I think I lucked out. But essentially, I believe that the core of my being is simply bad. I never set out to become bad. But sometimes you just have to accept who you are.

Uncertain

It's been up and down. I'm trying not to stress too much. I'm trying not to let things get to me the way they have been. I don't want to jump ship because I don't want to make hasty decisions. I've learnt from experience that it's often bad to make big decisions when you are deeply unhappy and desperate.

So instead, I'll take a deep breath, sit back and deal.

Beating my head against the wall

I've been under some pressure at work and last Friday after a bad day at the office I simply wanted to quit. I'm not sure I know what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes it all seems so pointless.

It's strange because only a couple weeks ago I had felt things at work were going OK, that I was managing OK. And now all I want to do is run away screaming. I'm angry and frustrated and not at all sure that I'm doing a good job anymore.

I've applied for that other job, but the closing date is a month away, so I won't know if I'm shortlisted for another month. And suddenly there is a lot more at stake here. Another stress and worry which I don't need.

Last week I must have injured my foot running down a hill. It felt a bit sore after the run and it wasn't until a few days later that I noticed a hard lump at the top of my foot above the metatarsal. It doesn't hurt too much when I'm actually running, so I'm still doing that - but it hurts right after a run. I know I should probably rest it, but running is the only thing that keeps me sane, so I need to keep doing it.

V and I signed a new DBT contract for another year. And I'm scared to death of the next phase of treatment. I also feel as though I'm running out of time and it won't be long before we discover that where it counts the most, there is nothing that can be done to change that. Where will that leave me then?

I know this is a terrible thing to be thinking about, but I'm secretly hoping that lump in my foot is a tumour. Maybe it will spread. Maybe I will be given 5 weeks to live. Then everything will suddenly be resolved. I will be OK with that. I'm so tired of life. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm scared to death of losing V. I'm just so very scared of life.